I’m finally starting to feel like myself again. As some of you guys may or may not know, we lost both of our parents within 4 1/2 days of each other earlier this year. Both had been dealing with separate health issues at varying degrees over the last few years, but NO ONE expected this type of loss. It was such a catastrophic, WTF moment, and while I can now understand why things happened the way they did (and it totally makes sense to our family), I don’t think my brain will ever stop saying WTF whenever I think or talk about them. I miss them terribly, but I’m at a good place of peace, so now I’ve just been trying to adjust to my new normal.

Normal. What does that even mean?

No one really talks about what happens after the funeral. The first few weeks are a whirlwind of calls, planning and preparation for services (and they had a beautiful joint service, btw), but once it’s all said and done, what’s next? When your world has been filled with balancing work and doctor’s appts and errand running, what do you do when a huge part of how you spent your time is gone? And if you’re someone like me, that primarily works for yourself, you really find yourself confused by what to do with your “extra” time because working freelance isn’t like a set 40 hour work week. You’re blessed with the flexibility to be able to handle all those things, but now that it’s not needed… now what? And on top of figuring all of this out, you also have to make time to grieve.

Because you WILL grieve.

I am someone who feels and expresses their emotions freely, so you will always know how I am. If I need to vent, cry, laugh, whatever, I will do it, but my grief hit me in a delayed way. I learned over the years that I am someone that goes into work/focus mode during times of tragedy. I can talk to doctors and authority figures and relay information in a way that will not overwhelm, but will keep you in the know about what’s going on. Yes, I get upset, but during moments like that, there’s no time for crying. So no longer having that “job” gave me a sense of relief, but I also went mentally numb. Through it all, I never stopped working, so I completely burnt out. I’ve been blessed to work with friends and very close associates, so I never stopped seeing my clients, and I still did blogging/content to maintain a sense of normalcy, but I found myself really struggling creatively and it took a minute to figure out why.

Because baby, come May, I finally hit a wall and had a breakdown. I felt like my brain was broken. All I wanted to do was take pictures as needed, and go home to sleep and watch TikToks for the rest of the day. I didn’t want to ideate or strategize anything, not for myself or for anyone else. I just wanted to snap the pics and go home. I finally gave in to the grief and depression after having a breakdown in my car after a meeting because I knew I couldn’t move forward in a role for one of my clients in a way that she needed. Like I said, I felt like my brain was broken. I cried, called a friend to make sure I wasn’t just having a Sagittarius moment (because we do be tripping sometimes, lol), and then had a call with my client who understood, and had actually been waiting for it to happen. Everyone said the same thing: I never stopped and they were waiting for me to break.

So I finally took a breath and stopped.

For the next few months I pulled back severely from a lot of things, people, and projects and just took time out to do nothing and just be. Unless I absolutely had to do it, I didn’t. If it wasn’t an easy, fun outing or experience, I stayed home. I didn’t want to overcommit myself to anyone or anything (but I still needed to work because duh, bills) so I only did what was necessary. I was stretched incredibly thin mentally, and I knew I needed to do this for my sanity. If it felt like too much of a commitment, even if it was something I’d done before, I said nope!

Friends, taking that break, even though it put me in a weird spot financially, was the best thing I could’ve done for myself. I was able to grieve without pressure to still perform and show up for others, took a relaxing family vacation, and during that time I was able to get so much mental clarity and get back to myself. Someone reminded me a few weeks ago that I was romanticizing my life before it was even a thing, and I’ve gotten back to that as well. I will never stop grieving my parents (it’s just a part of life, which is ok. Accepting that early on will help you tremendously), but I find myself being able to function normally again. I no longer feel drained or tired. I’m excited about creating again. There’s still some rebuilding that needs to be done, but overall I feel so much like myself again. I still enjoy my solitude, but I’m back to enjoying going out and exploring, I’m having fun with creating content, and I feel like I can contribute ideas organically again.

I finally feel like me.

I share all of this in hopes that it resonates with someone that may need it, but also in hopes that you’ve held space for me here and will continue to do so. I’m getting back to doing the things that I love so much and have so much more to say!

life